


Dying to Find Out

by mysk



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Comedy, Gen, One Shot, Post-Time Skip, There are mentions of necrophilia but no one is actually a necrophiliac
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-12 02:49:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20556971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysk/pseuds/mysk
Summary: Caspar is convinced that Hubert is into necrophilia. He asks Bernadetta to help him find out.





	Dying to Find Out

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of this fic with the inspiration of two things: The scene from SpongeBob where Squidward says "THIS is the final straw", and the scene from Always Sunny where Frank asks a mortician if he ever bangs dead bodies.
> 
> Might be kind of OOC because it was meant to mostly be a short silly thing, but my friends pushed me to finish it after reading the first few paragraphs.

"Yo, Lindhardt, I got a question."

"Is it stupid?"

"No! I mean... I don't think so. Listen, can I ask it or not?"

"... Sure, Caspar. Shoot."

"Is there a way to tell if someone, uh, has sex with dead bodies?"

After a long inhale, the room went still with silence. The pages of Linhardt's book were no longer turning, he no longer thoughtfully tapped his finger on the desk from time to time, and his head did not rise from it's position as he slowly closed his eyes.

After what must have been minutes of Caspar awkwardly staring at his companion, unsure if his friend had actually managed to fall asleep in such a short period of time, the green haired scholar exhaled before finally opening his eyes. The look on his face was indescribable, and portrayed an emotion that Caspar was unsure of had ever existed in the world before.

After a minute long staredown, Linhardt finally reached over to put both of his hands on Caspar's shoulders.

"Caspar. I have known you for almost two decades. I have been with you through everything. I have answered every question you have ever asked me, no matter how much effort it took. I taught you that cats and dogs were two different animals, and why fish don't swim around in your stomach if you drink water after eating them. My patience has never once broken.

"But today, Caspar, you did it. You have finally crossed the line. I have no words for you. I do not know why you want to know the answer to this question, or how you even thought of it in the first place. But this time, I will not ask. I will not help. I will not subject myself this time to whatever crazy hole I know you will be adventuring down, and I will not be the one to drag you out of the inevitable mess you create."

And with that, Linhardt stood up, closed his book, and walked out of the library without another word.

"...Well, geez, fine then!"

Caspar huffed as he watched his friend go, crossing his arms in frustration. It had just been a harmless question - a man gets curious about all sorts of things in life, and knowledge is, as Linhardt HIMSELF has said before, power! There's nothing Caspar wanted out of this except to expand his wisdom of how the world works.

... Well, that, and he guess he kind of suspected that Hubert fucked dead people.

He didn't exactly know HOW to explain this hunch of his, but everyone knew that Hubert, well... Killed a lot of people. War was one thing, but the sheer amount of times that the eerie man would disappear for a few days only to return with news that a new corrupt noble was dead through some 'mysterious accident' was just too much for any mortal man in his right mind to handle. Hubert had to have some sort of ulterior motive beyond just his devotion to Edelgard, and it had led Caspar to reach one of two conclusions:

1\. Hubert was a vampire, and ate the dead people.

2\. Hubert was a necrophiliac, and had sex with the dead people.

He decided that the first one would probably be the easiest to test out. He knew that spying on Hubert was an impossible task that he'd absolutely get caught in, so he instead tried in a more subtle way. One night, Caspar had requested Bernadetta cook them all a meal with extra garlic. Not questioning it, she added a hefty amount to that night's cabbage and herring stew, and he was relieved to see Hubert consume it as normally as ever.

So vampire - out. Which led to his one other hypothesis.

This one was a lot harder to test, because how the hell could you tell if someone did that? Caspar was always the last to pick up on when his teammates were dating, let alone if any of them were having sex. Linhardt was the most useful resource of 'weird facts' that he knew, and if he was going to stubbornly refuse to share his wisdom, then Caspar was absolutely stumped.

Who else in the Strike Force was weird and knew a lot of random things...

And then it hit him. Grinning, he sped out the library down to the dorms.

\--------

"Bernadetta! Yo, Berniiiieee!"

Bernadetta just had to be the biggest weirdo there who'd know a bunch of weirdo things! Well, besides the creepy man in question he was investigating, his lifelong best friend, and their loveable but oddly emotionless fishing obsessed Professor (and he admittedly didn't have the guts to ask them something like that). She'd been a lot better about leaving her room ever since news came out that her father had been imprisoned, and so he believed that maybe she'd be the key to solving this mystery.

Instead of being greeted with an open door and a smile, Caspar instead heard a loud "HIIIIYAAAAABRAGSBSGAH-" and what sounded like the sound of feet slamming on the floor. Oh, yeah - he had forgotten to say who he was. Yeah, probably his fault that she seemed a little startled.

"Yo, Bernie, it's me!" After a pause, he realized that probably wasn't specific enough. "Er, me as in Caspar, I mean!"

"C-Caspar?" He heard shuffling, and the muffled voice become gradually louder and clearer. "What, um, what could you want at this time of day?"

"This time of day?" It had to be the early afternoon already. He heard an embarrassed squeak in response to his question, and figured it would probably be best to just carry on without further offending her. "Sorry. Didn't mean it like that. Anyway, do you mind opening the door? I got a question for ya, and it's hard to hear you through the door."

After a short pause, the door creaked open, revealing the small girl looking disheveled as if she had just woken up. It was nice to see her open it all the way after all of these years, at least. Had he done this five years ago, he'd barely be able to get the door cracked open enough to see one of her eyes.

"Um... Okay. I don't know how much I can help but I can try."

"Alright, I'll cut to the chase then." He nervously looked around to see if he was being watched, which made the girl in front of him swallow in anticipation.

"Do you know how to tell if someone has sex with dead bodies?"

She stared at him for one moment before slamming the door in his face.

"Aughhh! No, wait, Bernie, come on! Don't pull a Linhardt on me!" He continued knocking loudly on her door, practically begging at this point.

"Nooo! You're gonna kill me!"

"Wh- NO! Bernie, this is a misunderstanding! Open the door!" He frantically looked around to see if anyone was witnessing this spectacle, but thankfully it seemed most everyone else was off hanging out away from the dorms.

"Listen, Bernie, it's not ME, it's - listen, I just need your help, okay? I'm doing an investigation!"

He heard a sniff, and the door cracked open slightly.

"...How can I know you won't kill me?"

"You're my friend, Bernie. That's a promise, and I'll never go back on a promise."

The door slowly opened, revealing Bernadetta still shaking slightly, but inviting him in. "S-sit wherever..."

He immediately took a seat on her bed, making her grimace without complaining out loud. "Alright, so, I'm gonna need you to close the door. Not cuz I'm gonna kill you or anything-" he quickly clarified as her face went white again, "-but because this is top secret information."

She obliged with shaking hands, before taking a deep breath and sitting beside him. "Okay... I trust you, Caspar. I'll hear you out."

He beamed, feeling oddly happy about Bernadetta breaking out of her shell more despite the odd circumstances he was experiencing it in. "Alright, well... Here we go. Remember when I asked you to put extra garlic in our dinners that one time?"

He was met with a stare. "It's relevant, I promise!"

"Y...yes?"

"Alright, because THAT was my test to see if Hubert was a vampire. Which he's not. Which MUST mean that he gets off on all the people he murders!"

"Um - I'm - excuse me?"

"Or at least... That's what I feel like might be a case. So I wanna find out for sure. I asked Linhardt, and he didn't want to answer me. And I know you know about a bunch of weird things, like venus fly traps, so I figured you'd be the next best person to ask!"

Her eyes were blank, as if she had passed out right there.

"Alright, so, um, g-give me a moment to get this straight."

"Sure."

"So you think that Hubert is only an assassin because he has ulterior motives, despite serving Edelgard his whole life. So first you put extra garlic in his food to test if he's a monster-"

"Hey, to be fair, Rhea ended up being a dragon!"

"...O-okay, well, you got me there. But since he's not a monster, you think he, uh... G-gets off... On... Killing people."

"Yup. Or at least, that's what I wanna test out, just in case, so we don't have anyone like that among us."

"And, um, you thought I'd be able to help you... Because I like... Carnivorous plants...?"

He scratched the back of his head. "I mean, who else would you suggest?"

She opened her mouth ready to respond, but after a moment of thinking she realized she actually didn't have a rebuttal to that. "You got me," she mumbled.

"B-but, um, I don't know how to tell that. I don't think... You can...?"

"Shit," Caspar muttered, sighing dramatically.

"But I've been, I've been uh, closer to Hubert lately, he-even-wears-a-flower-I-made-him-haha, and I'd like to think that he wouldn't do anything like that, at all!" She bit the inside of her cheek, conflicted with the idea of one of her only close friends being such a nefarious person.

"So, uh, I guess it is... Good you asked me... Because I think I know a way to check?"

"Really?!" Bernadetta flinched at the sudden yell, and upon noticing this Caspar lowered his voice, despite his excitement. "What's your idea?"

"I'll just ask him what he likes about it. I-I think he would be honest with me, at this point, and I think I'm...close...enough with Edelgard now that he wouldn't kill me for asking him a weird question, probably, so... Yeah."

Caspar beamed. "Sounds good to me!" Satisfied, he quickly stood up to leave, wanting to avoid any chance of being caught.

"...Yeah, bye."

Bernadetta stared at the door as he left, wondering what the fresh hell she had just gotten herself into.

\-------

At dinner the next day, Caspar had been looking all around for Bernadetta. He hadn't seen any sign of her - or Hubert, for that matter - since their private meeting the day before, and he was starting to grow concerned.

He sat with Linhardt and Petra as he nervously stirred his soup, too anxious to eat.

"Caspar, are you not feeling hunger?" Petra suddenly chimed in, giving a questioning look.

"Nah, I'm just... Hey, have any of you seen Bernadetta?"

Linhardt glanced over at him, eyes narrowed, but decided to keep his question to himself.

"Bernadetta... Oh, I think she is doing dinner outside today, by the gazebo. I saw her while walking here."

"Okay-thanks-bye! Uh, you can have the rest of my soup, Petra! Or Linhardt! Either works!"

The two stared as he bolted out of the cafeteria to the courtyard. If anyone else was giving him any weird looks, he sure didn't notice, because he was much too focused on the task at hand. He made it there fairly quick, and was relieved to see a flash of purple among the few people relaxing.

"Bernie, yo!"

Expecting her to wave and excitedly report her findings to him, she instead subverted that by looking over at the source of the voice, shrieking, and bolting in the other direction.

"Oh Goddess." He had no idea what was up with her, but he had run enough already to get there - couldn't hurt to do more.

Thankfully, Caspar had a lot more stamina than a shut in who primarily traveled battles by horse did, and when she was finally stopped by the dorms to catch her breath, he was able to catch up with her and get his hands on her shoulders.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-"

"Whoa, whoa, Bernie, slow down! You're gonna hyperventilate!"

"I'D LIKE TO PASS OUT HONESTLY-"

"Chill, chill. I'm here. Take a deep breath, okay?"

He gave her a warm smile, and it seemed to at least calm her down a little, because she managed to take in a deep breath.

"...And exhale it."

She quickly blew out, coughing slightly, and continued to breathe.

After a few moments, she spoke. "C-Caspar, what, in, what's a friend to you?"

"Someone I care about, who I'll always be there for!" The answer came easily to him.

"That you'll never hate, no matter what?"

"I mean... I guess I used to think Rhea was cool but now I don't, but that's a bit different, so, sure?"

"And is Bernie your friend?"

Weird, she had gone back to her habit of referring to herself in the third person. Still not sure what had her so wound up, he grinned at her. "Of course!"

He laughed, and she joined him with nervous chuckles. Seems like it was just Bernie being Bernie.

"Alright, so, what'd you find out?"

Her laughing ceased, but the awkward smile remained as she lowered her eyes to avoid eye contact. "About what, again?"

"You know!" He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Hubert."

"Hubert. Right. Hubert. Haha."

"... Well?"

"... He's not! So that's great to know! Time to get back to dinn-"

"Yo, Bernie, that's amazing! You're like the only person I know who could spy on a guy like him! You're incredible! How'd you do it?"

She froze like a statue, barely breathing. Her smile was forced, and her eyes were devoid of emotion.

"... Bernie? You okay?"

"I may have accidentally, um, told him."

It took a moment for him to register what she meant, but when he did, he felt his heart drop.

"...You WHAT?!"

\-----

_Hubert heard a knock on his door. Not too common for someone to visit him when he was busy, but he was trying to get better about opening himself up to others when he could, so he simply stated "Come in", expecting to see either his Emperor or the frustratingly charming orange haired thorn in his side._

_What he wasn't expecting, though, was the slow opening of the door to reveal Bernadetta. He couldn't help but smile, feeling proud of her. He had grown admittedly fond of the girl, and thought she was very strong to get past all of the hardships she had faced._

_"H-hi, Hubert," she stammered, staring at the floor. "Am I bothering you...?"_

_"No, not at all." He waved her over, and found himself pulling the flower pin she made him out of his pocket, reflexively attaching it as he always did in her presence. "What can I help you with?"_

_She took her time sitting down, nervously fiddling with the fabric of her skirt, chewing her lip. He wasn't going to press her to keep going, both for her comfort's sake and because he wanted to help foster self motivated confidence in her, and after a few seconds she managed to start speaking._

_"Th-this might be a weird question, uh, please don't get mad, I promise it's not serious, but..." She took a deep breath, and her voice grew louder. "H-how is it... So easy for you to kill all those people, Hubert?"_

_Most people would falter at such a question, but Hubert was not most people. It was admittedly one he had been asked a few times before, mostly by rookie soldiers who had drawn their first blood and needed advice on how to cope. What was curious was why Bernadetta, a now experienced archer, wanted to ask._

_"Bernadetta, if this is about your father..."_

_"NO! I mean, uhhh, sorry, but no it's not, I mean Goddess I hope it's not, I juuuust..." He noticed her stop to shudder. "...Wanna... Know."_

_"Hm, if you're sure." Usually he'd be somewhat suspicious, but Bernadetta was often somewhat of an enigma to him so he didn't think too much of it._

_He proceeded to go on a long winded explanation about the history of the Vestra family, the abusive tendencies of his own father, his devotion to Edelgard, his dedication to making the burden on the Emperor as light as he possibly could, and so on and so forth. As he went on, he noticed Bernadetta's shoulders begin to relax and her breathing becoming more steady._

_When he finished, she tentatively responded, "So... You don't particularly enjoy it, is what you're saying, Hubert?"_

_He blinked and rubbed at his chin. Now that was a question that caught him off guard._

_"I... Suppose I don't. I don't get any sort of particular thrill from the assassinations themselves. It's more the results I know they'll bring. For the safety of our nation, and for the safety of my companions."_

_She let out a heavy exhale before beginning to... Laugh? It was slow, and exhasperated, he could swear there were some tears in her eyes, and all she could do was stare at the ceiling chortle._

_"Ohhhh, that's a relief," she suddenly started mumbling to herself quickly, still staring into space. She looked like she was in her own world. "Haha, wow Bernie, look at you, getting worked up for nothing. How silly it was to listen to Caspar's funny ideas. To be scared and worried about one of his ideas. Hubert, having sex with corpses. How preposterous. Haha. Hahaha. Haaa..."_

_"... Excuse me, what was that?"_

_Bernadetta snapped back to reality, and met eyes with Hubert, his mouth curling into a terrible, awful smile, and she swore there was literal fire in his eyes._

_Her fight or flight kicking in, Bernadetta popped up from her chair, screaming "PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" as she sprinted down the hall._

\-----

"Bernie no no no, what do you mean you told him, you didn't tell him about me or what I thought did you, haha come on Bernie you shouldn't joke around right now-"

She shrieked suddenly, and it was enough to startle Caspar enough that he let go of his grip just long enough for her to scurry away. He was about to follow after her, until the feeling of a cold hand on his shoulder revealed just who it was she was actually running from.

"My, Caspar, scaring Bernadetta, are we?"

The hair on the back of his neck raised, and yet he couldn't bring himself to turn around, let alone speak.

"How out of character of you. Aren't you the brave one, the one who helps the weak? And yet here you are, cornering a young woman, as if you were coercing her into unsavory business. I wonder, what is it you were telling her, Caspar? Which one of your silly romps were you getting her involved in?"

He heard a chuckle, as the cold from the mage's hand spread throughout his shoulders, his back, his neck.

"I suppose if the cat's got your tongue, then it can't be helped."

The last thing Caspar remembered hearing before blacking out was Hubert hissing "Of course I don't fuck dead bodies, you fool".

\-----

"Hey, Caspar, you in there? You weren't in the meeting, and Edelgard asked me to check up on you, so - oh..."

Upon opening the door, Linhardt was greeted to the sight of his best friend topless, covered in hives from head to toe, groaning with four ice packs on his chest and one on his head.

"Lin..." He croaked, noticing his companion. "Help me... Stomach hurts... Itchy... Hot... I'm gon die..."

"Hm." The scholar went over and hovered his hand over Caspar's heart, white magic glowing from his palm as he diagnosed the cause.

"Mm, yeah, that's black magic, alright. Nothing fatal. Just irritating." He sighed. "Boy, I'd hate to be in your shoes right now."

"Help meeeee," He was whining like a child, snot starting to run down his face. "You're my best friieeend..."

Linhardt rubbed his chin for a moment, contemplating it, before instead shrugging and walking out of the bedroom.

"Mm... Maybe later. I can't help but feel like you may have deserved this one, so I'm gonna let it teach you a lesson just a little while longer."


End file.
